Rules of Expectations

I have been quite obsessed with the feeling of love lately.  While I have received love in abundance all my life, and still do, it is in giving love that I have had many realizations.  And so yet again, you rare reader, I will torment you with another blog about love yoga.

Papa suggested yesterday that expectations seem to be the taxes on relationships.  People have greater expectations from the ones close to them.  Expectations seem to put a toll on the innocence of the relationship, maybe even test its strength.

I see many cases around me where people expect their spouses to do or achieve or deliver certain things.  Parents expect their kids to perform and later maintain them.  One of the causes behind these expectations is possessiveness.  Possessiveness can lead to insecurity, which raises some of the worst expectations - husband not letting wife meet guys, wife nagging at husband, parents comparing their kids.

It is easy to relate expectations with love.  But I disagree with this seemingly obvious relation.  I think true love raises only one noble kind of expectation - to make the loved one act in his/her own (loved one's) interest.

Let me elaborate.

True love, by definition, seems to be the act of putting the loved one above oneself.

Ergo, my expectations cannot matter more to me than my desire to see my loved ones happy and healthy.  There is therefore no way that I will want to tax a loved one - that is, expect him/her to do something against his/her interests - and do something that I want.  Or, I am violating the definition of love, and not actually loving that person.

If you still do not get my point, you might wonder here, will this not actually lead to chaos in relationships?

Quite the opposite actually.  When I love my loved ones, I will make sincere efforts to ensure their well-being.  In line with karma yoga and love yoga, I will do so only to derive my own pleasure - I am not obliging them.  Now given the fact that they are humans, one of the supposedly smartest breeds on this planet, it will not take them much time to realize my sincerity.  Most of these smart beings will feel like reciprocating this feeling, even if for the most selfish reason of ensuring that they continue receiving my devotion.  And eventually they will discover that it is fun loving me - so I get the bonus advantage of receiving more love.

I think this can be the most beautiful competition of sorts - people trying hard to make their loved ones happy - people trying to put others before themselves.  Indeed, we can be expressive enough to clarify what makes us happy and what doesn't, but that is only to help them love us better, and only if they feel like it.  Nobody loses in this effort.  Nobody needs to compromise.  There is infinite scope for expansion in caring for others.

Another point I wanted to cover - addressing the "rights" over loved ones.  We may find it wrong when people use their supposed rights to force people who love them to restrict their actions, or do things they want.  And I disagree there also.  I think we can judge this force to be right or wrong only based on the end objective.

Should we apply this force to derive our own satisfaction or to strengthen our sense of security, we are being stupid and our love is adulterated.  We are then risking the loss of our loved one's feelings for us.  But should we apply this force to protect our loved ones, to stop them from hurting their interest, to help them achieve greater well-being in ways they do not agree with at the time, I find nothing wrong, and find no limits applicable.  We most naturally do this for our kids - why should we compromise in our feelings for adults?

Adults may find it suffocating and intrusive.  They may even use their wisdom to judge that we're being selfish or foolish.  But then, we do not make such efforts to become popular with them - our objective is only their best interests.  Therefore, so long as we continue having feelings for them, we have no reason to back off or give up in our efforts to make them do what we find right for them.  Of course, we must adapt our expressions to be more effective at convincing them, and we must always be open to realizing that we might be wrong.

I base these thoughts on what I have seen and known Papa and Bhai (my grandfather) to be doing.  They have repeatedly been "stupid" to trust the people who try to fool them, act in interest of people who disregard them.  They enjoy one-way relationships or unilateral care.  They do not mind if people "use" them.  This is what makes me put them up close to people who I consider great - in line with Gandhiji and the Pope and JRD Tata and likes.  This is why I find them respected and loved by pretty much everyone who knows them.  This is why I consider them truly successful in life.

Love yoga

Yes, I'm in love.  In love in almost every conventional way - enjoying my career, crazy about my family, and daydreaming about my childhood sweetheart, my soon-to-be wife.  But then, I'm also quite madly in love with the feeling of love.

I think love is one of the most beautiful manifestations of karma yoga.  True love is unconditional and infinite - you care for your loved ones no matter what they do or become - you regardless keep working to protect them, keep praying for their health and happiness.  What is this but nishkaam karma?


God did not give us the iPhone and Xbox as part of our birth package.  He gave us our family and nature for entertainment.  Nature that is full of resources and variety, giving us abundant scope to learn, relax, and care.  And family that will go to any extent to ensure our well-being.  Somewhere along the way, he also gave us an interesting sensation that makes us (even nutjobs like Gaddafi) love these people close to us, without even having the thought of expecting returns for this love.  As we grow up, we get into increasingly transactional relationships, initially dilute with friends and teachers, but clearer as we make lab partners, colleagues, suppliers, customers, etc.  For many, even their marriage is an agreement with implicit terms & conditions.  And yet, we get another reminder of this unconditional love - when we have kids, and when we feel no achievement, no wealth, no property in the world matters more than their health and happiness.

This instinct of true love is our innate quality as mammals.  It resides deep inside us, something we may try to ignore in our worldly pursuits, but yet keeps us incomplete and dissatisfied when we do so.  It is equally present in the rich and the poor, the educated and the innocent.  It is immensely powerful - it can drive us to take actions beyond our own expectations of ourselves, achieve feats that seem to defy the laws of physics and biology.

It is in recognition and ultimate surrender to this spirit that we can find true joy in life.  Like I have mentioned in my earlier posts, nothing gives us more pleasure than the effort to make others happy.  We can always find ways to love our kids, spouse, parents, siblings, friends, etc.  As we realize this joy, we will feel like expanding this circle of love, applying the karma yoga of love on everyone around us and all creations of nature.  I find role models all around me - from Gandhiji and Vivekananda and Mother Teresa and Pope Francis to people close to me, like Fr. Hector and my teachers and parents.

Love empowers us to rise above our temptations and weaknesses, and experience heaven right here on earth.  Love was our first gift from God, love is what he continually showers upon us directly and indirectly, every day, every moment.  Offering our love to him and his creations seems the easiest and most natural route (yoga) to unite with him.