Rules of Expectations

I have been quite obsessed with the feeling of love lately.  While I have received love in abundance all my life, and still do, it is in giving love that I have had many realizations.  And so yet again, you rare reader, I will torment you with another blog about love yoga.

Papa suggested yesterday that expectations seem to be the taxes on relationships.  People have greater expectations from the ones close to them.  Expectations seem to put a toll on the innocence of the relationship, maybe even test its strength.

I see many cases around me where people expect their spouses to do or achieve or deliver certain things.  Parents expect their kids to perform and later maintain them.  One of the causes behind these expectations is possessiveness.  Possessiveness can lead to insecurity, which raises some of the worst expectations - husband not letting wife meet guys, wife nagging at husband, parents comparing their kids.

It is easy to relate expectations with love.  But I disagree with this seemingly obvious relation.  I think true love raises only one noble kind of expectation - to make the loved one act in his/her own (loved one's) interest.

Let me elaborate.

True love, by definition, seems to be the act of putting the loved one above oneself.

Ergo, my expectations cannot matter more to me than my desire to see my loved ones happy and healthy.  There is therefore no way that I will want to tax a loved one - that is, expect him/her to do something against his/her interests - and do something that I want.  Or, I am violating the definition of love, and not actually loving that person.

If you still do not get my point, you might wonder here, will this not actually lead to chaos in relationships?

Quite the opposite actually.  When I love my loved ones, I will make sincere efforts to ensure their well-being.  In line with karma yoga and love yoga, I will do so only to derive my own pleasure - I am not obliging them.  Now given the fact that they are humans, one of the supposedly smartest breeds on this planet, it will not take them much time to realize my sincerity.  Most of these smart beings will feel like reciprocating this feeling, even if for the most selfish reason of ensuring that they continue receiving my devotion.  And eventually they will discover that it is fun loving me - so I get the bonus advantage of receiving more love.

I think this can be the most beautiful competition of sorts - people trying hard to make their loved ones happy - people trying to put others before themselves.  Indeed, we can be expressive enough to clarify what makes us happy and what doesn't, but that is only to help them love us better, and only if they feel like it.  Nobody loses in this effort.  Nobody needs to compromise.  There is infinite scope for expansion in caring for others.

Another point I wanted to cover - addressing the "rights" over loved ones.  We may find it wrong when people use their supposed rights to force people who love them to restrict their actions, or do things they want.  And I disagree there also.  I think we can judge this force to be right or wrong only based on the end objective.

Should we apply this force to derive our own satisfaction or to strengthen our sense of security, we are being stupid and our love is adulterated.  We are then risking the loss of our loved one's feelings for us.  But should we apply this force to protect our loved ones, to stop them from hurting their interest, to help them achieve greater well-being in ways they do not agree with at the time, I find nothing wrong, and find no limits applicable.  We most naturally do this for our kids - why should we compromise in our feelings for adults?

Adults may find it suffocating and intrusive.  They may even use their wisdom to judge that we're being selfish or foolish.  But then, we do not make such efforts to become popular with them - our objective is only their best interests.  Therefore, so long as we continue having feelings for them, we have no reason to back off or give up in our efforts to make them do what we find right for them.  Of course, we must adapt our expressions to be more effective at convincing them, and we must always be open to realizing that we might be wrong.

I base these thoughts on what I have seen and known Papa and Bhai (my grandfather) to be doing.  They have repeatedly been "stupid" to trust the people who try to fool them, act in interest of people who disregard them.  They enjoy one-way relationships or unilateral care.  They do not mind if people "use" them.  This is what makes me put them up close to people who I consider great - in line with Gandhiji and the Pope and JRD Tata and likes.  This is why I find them respected and loved by pretty much everyone who knows them.  This is why I consider them truly successful in life.